45 replies to this topic

[Stars]

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

[Stars]

An Arab, a Jew, and a pole walk into a bar
Ouch Ouch Clang

[Monkeydog]

A duck goes into a pharmacy, he says to the pharmacist, "I need some ointment for my beak, it is very chapped". The pharmacist says "We have nothing for ducks here."

[Arutha]

Why did the blonde jump off a bridge?
Because she was clinically depressed and wanted to end her life.

[lazlo falconi]

Two carrots are walking down the highway one day on their way to see a movie. A large truck comes by, and one carrot sees it and jumps out of the way, but the other wasn't so lucky. He was hit by the truck and thrown 70 feet. The carrot who wasn't hurt runs to his side and tries to keep him alive while they wait for the paramedics to arrive, which takes about twelve minutes.

The rush the carrots to the hospital and the injured one stays in the intensive care unit for a three days, unconscious. A week later, the carrot's friend comes to visit, and asks the doctor how he's doing. The doctor checks his notes, and says, "Well, I've got good news, and bad news about your friend... The good news is that he's going to live. But the bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

[Billy]

Two muffins are in an oven. One turns to the other and says "Man, this is hot!" The other one turns to him and says "Ahh, a talking muffin!"

[lazlo falconi]

Newfoundland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland.

Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

[Stars]

i: Hey pi, be rational!
pi: Get real! >:o

[Maelstrom]

Two atoms leave a bar and one says to the other "I forgot my electrons in the bar"
The other atom asks "Are you sure?"
"I'm positive."

[kspr]

One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

[kspr]

What's a drug dealer's favorite drink?

[color=#000000;background:#000000;' onmouseover="this.style.color='#FFFFFF'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#000000']smack daniels[/color]

[The Skeleblock]

Who shot the sheriff?

Bob Marley.

[lazlo falconi]

A son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father....
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

[Skull]

A priest, a hobo, and a humpback whale walk into a bar.

The bar tender asks the priest, "What can I get you father?" The Priest replies, "I'll only take red wine, thank you." So the bar tender serves the priest a bottle of red wine.

The bar tender turns to the hobo, "What do you want you bum." The hobo replies, "I don't have much money and my life is awful, so give me the cheapest, strongest drink you've got." So the bar tender pours the drifter a shot.

The bar tender then looks at the whale, eyeing him up and down a bit, then finally asks, "So...uh, what can I get you?" The whale looks down at the bar tender and says, "Meeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu."

[lazlo falconi]

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe.
They stay and drink until finally the giraffe passes out on the floor and the guy pays the tab and gets up to leave.
The bartender stops him and points to the giraffe. "You can't leave that lyin' on the floor."
To which the man says, [color=#000000;background:#000000;' onmouseover="this.style.color='#FFFFFF'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#000000']"That's not a lion! It's a giraffe!"[/color]

[kspr]

What did the aspiring yogi say to the hotdog vendor?

[color=#000000;background:#000000;' onmouseover="this.style.color='#FFFFFF'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#000000']Make me one with everything[/color]

[Stars]

What did the aspiring yogi say to the dentist after declining any anesthetics?

[color=#000000;background:#000000;' onmouseover="this.style.color='#FFFFFF'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#000000']I'm trying to transcend dental medication.[/color]

[lazlo falconi]

Might be offensive...

[color=#000000;background:#000000;' onmouseover="this.style.color='#FFFFFF'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#000000']Some passengers boarded an airplane, they took off and everything was going smoothly until it hit some turbulence. A girl stoop up panicked and screamed "I'M A VIRGIN PLEASE CAN SOMEONE MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN?"

After she said that everyone just stared at her. Finally, one man stoop up. He was as handsome as it gets. He started moving slowly toward her, as he was unbuttoning his shirt. He was ripped, had the abs of a champ. She was trembling as he got closer. He walked up to her with a fiery passion and said "Iron this."[/color]

[kspr]

Things to do on an Elevator
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.”
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.”
14) WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!”
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don’t exist.
22) CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it.

I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before..
PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'llsqueeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good quality plates?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.


gotta love funny.com

[Maelstrom]

"At the end of every party there is always a girl crying."


0.0

holy shit, that's true.