8 replies to this topic

[Stars]

Since we have to write a poem every week for the next seven weeks in my Creative Writing class, I thought I would post them here before turning them in to get some feedback (this one is due tomorrow morning, but I'll try to post the others farther ahead of time). Mind you, these will be the first poems I've written in about eight years, so don't expect anything on par with Cy's poetry. =p
This one is written in free verse, so please no comments about how it doesn't rhyme or follow any sort of meter. The only instructions we were given are that the poems have to be at least twelve lines, and the first one must focus around a single image.

*** Original ***

A FRIEND IN MELANCHOLY

Cold, quiet union room
At my Oklahoma school.
I sit alone, staring into nothing,
When a new friend appears.

I watch from my hole of a booth
As he peers out from his.
He seems, however, more interested
In the Dorito on the floor.

The fellow tries to claim it
Though his efforts are in vain.
It is simply too much work
For one so small as he.

Scampering back to his hole,
He makes sure no one spots him
Before returning to try again
To bring the food back with him.

While observing these acts,
I notice four new people.
They chat in yet another booth,
Oblivious to my friend and me.

Abandoning his fallen chip,
My transient friend leaves my sight
And traverses the room
To greet the newcomers.

Three girls and a boy,
None of them notice his approach.
I smile as I wait for an expected sound
And am not disappointed.

"Mouse!"


*** Revision ***

A FRIEND IN MELANCHOLY

Here in this cold and quiet
student union, rows of booths
offer both privacy and isolation.
I sit alone, my task long-forgotten,
my laptop asleep, and myself
thinking that sounds pretty good.

Though the hour is getting late,
I cannot coax my body to leave,
even with the promise of a soft bed.
With little else to occupy them,
my eyes lazily scan what scarce space
is not blocked by pillars and low walls.

Soon I see that I am not alone,
for another has been occupying
one of these dark wooden niches.
We face each other for a moment,
yet he seems too shy to say hello,
and so I content myself with watching.

The fellow appears to be hungry,
intent on attaining a fallen Dorito
abandoned on the floor.
Briefly vacating his hiding place,
he pulls the prize back with him
to enjoy it in peace.

While espying this act, I notice
four more figures, girls and a boy,
convene in a nook down our corridor.
Overcome with curiosity, my transient
friend slinks over to inspect
these noisy newcomers.

With no need to look, I smile
as I wait for an expected sound
and am not disappointed.
“Mouse!”

[Hyperlisk]

I liked it. :3

[Stars]

Positive feedback is always nice. =p

And we'll be re-writing five of our poems by the end of the semester, so don't feel there's no point in commenting just because I've turned a poem in already.

EDIT: Speaking of which, fixed a minor grammatical error (Ln 20: my friend and I -> my friend and me)

[Monkeydog]

LOL POEM
LOL GAY

(I mean it was nice)

[Puffin]

nicely done, and I'm glad you noticed that grammatical error, I was about to point it out.

[Stars]

Added a revision of this poem to my first post.

[Hyperlisk]

Sounds darker for some reason.

[Stars]

Is that a good thing or a bad thing, in your opinion. =o

[Hyperlisk]

It still sounds good to me. Just noting that it sounds darker :P