3 replies to this topic

[E.Nigma]

SO, I've been working on this transition from my old storyline for the last couple of weeks and today, I think that everything finally came together. The story will NOT be mainly about Ryo-Tome but his cousin, Ranami Otsuka.

Ranami was my original main character anyway, until the old manga got stolen. SO, after much rewriting of the storyline, trying to include characters that werent originally in the story. I tried to keep Ryo's original diposition while also changing his character's background around a little bit, and this is basically where everything was so hard. I literally had to change the whole storyline, everything down to the fact that Ryo was Ranami's son. EVERYTHING had to change. So what has happened is that Ryo and Ranami are now cousins. Ranami is now my main character / the story genre has changed from an Action/Comedy about a boy from the future on a mission to save his mother's life, into a Drama/Comedy about a boy who has to deal with the pressures of being an abnormal teenager, and well, an abnormal human being all together.

So, without further Adieu, please allow me to present my storyline. I've learned from past experiences on thsi site that i probably wont get but two comments on this but still - I want comments, and questions. Please give me your honest feedback and any criticism is very welcomed. Dont worry about grammer, becuase it's all manga, so just worry about plot itself.

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++Character Background++

Ranami has always been a strange young man. When he was young, he developed the strange ability to mirror his surroudings. Generally, his body takes on a normal form, but on occasion his DNA seems to change without his consent. This gives him more trouble then it actually helps him. Most of the time, since there's no extreme change in his natural environment, he ends up not physically changing, but adapting to the people around him. His ability makes him mirror the personality traits of others. It appears that he is able to fit in with nearly crowd, he seems to be good at anything that he attempts to do, and it makes him very likeable. However, it also makes him extremely suspicious.

His brother Rin is a child Prodigy, a trait that seems to run in the family. His Father, grand father, and cousin Ryo and his aunt Lu all seem to be brillant.


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++Beginning History++

Ranami Otsuka and his younger brother Rin move to the city to live with their aunt and uncle, Lu and Hiedo Tome, after their parent's untimely deaths. There was a fire and the family-owned Hotel burned down during the day while the kids were at school. Ranami and Rin ended up staying with a kind police officer and his wife for a couple of weeks until arrangements could be made with their family. It takes a little while before they finally move, since its so far away and by that time the funeral and mourning period have passed. Rin is still stricken with disbelief after the move.

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++The Beginning of the story++

Its been years since Ranami has been in this city, and his uncle suggests that he take a walk and get his head straight. Ranami agrees and takes toward town. He decides to visit some of the old places that he used to play at as a kid.

While he's at the park watching some kids play, he's asked if he'd like to join in a game of volley ball with a group of teenagers. He declines, but the insist until he finds himself standing with the ball in his hand. At this point, he starts to play, gradually getting better and better at the game as time goes by until suddenly he's dominating. One of the girls, a member of her school volley ball team, is extremely impressed by his ability to play, and immediately falls in love. She's about to ask his name when she realises that he's walking away from the park, leaving no name behind.

He leaves quickly, hoping to catch the trolly across town before it leaves. After the ride, he steps off at the old arcade. He goes inside and begins playing a fighter game. A girl standing beside him notices how good he is and challenges him to a high score competition. He politely declines, but before he knows it, he's been pushed into another challenge. Of course, after a few minutes of playing, he takes her highscore from her. She's so outraged that she demands a rematch, but as she declairs the rematch, he looks at his watch and says he has to leave. Before she can even ask his name, he runs out the door, only leaving her with the initials 'RO' on the high score list.

He finally makes it to the Zoo, where he and his childhood friend Yari used to come look at the animals. After walking around for a little while, he finally decides to leave when he sees a red-haired girl standing at the whale pool. The red hair reminds him of Yari. He starts thinking about how she used to pet the dolphins, how that one stubborn dolphin would jealously splash him when he was around her. He smiles to himself and walks away from the tank towards the exit. The girl looks back at him, unsure of what she just saw.

So, the next day Ranami and Rin are starting school. Ryo, being smart like he is, skipped two grades earlier on in life, so he and Ranami were assigned to be in the same class room. Rin, also brillant, skipped five grades when he was nine years old, so he and Ranami had also been in the same grade for the two previous school years. Rin and Ranami were put in the same class room with Ryo, and upon entering the room Ryo immediately began his usual hyperactivity, cheering of his cousins.

Rin dully introduced himself, and took the nearest seat where he stared at the chalkboard blankly. The teacher, worried about her student, asked Ranami what was wrong with him. After whispering into the teacher's ear, she suddenly took an immediate pity on the boys and gracefully welcomed them to the class. Ranami turned to intruduce himself when he looked into the blazing evil eyes of the girl that he's met in the arcade the day before. Beside her sat the volley-ball girl and the four other companions she had with her that day.

Immediately, Ranami began to get nervous and he intruduced himself. Some laughs from the back of the class room rang out after someone commented, "You're in the same grade as your little brother." Rin looked back and replied, "Yeah, and I'm smarter then all of YOU TOO," to which the laughter stopped and blushed crossed many of the students faces. Ranami turned hesitantly toward the teacher who smiled at him, then at Rin and said, "Welcome to the class Otsuka brothers. Ranami, you can have the seat infront of Morotomi." Ranami looked over at the empty desk, then directly up into the awestruck eyes of the girl sitting behind it, the girl from the dolphin tank, Yari Morotomi.

[Jody]

Well I like the storyline. It seems pretty good and the characters seem pretty 3-dimensional and have distinguished personalities (from what I can see). The only problem I have is that it's a touch cliche, about the dead parents and them moving into a new city that's unaccepting of them. But it'll only be cliche if you carry on the sort of over-used plotline. From here you can make it or break it, ya know? You can throw in a bunch of stuff that makes it not at all like other stories, or you can follow the safe, mundane road and make it something people can "relate" to and all that bull. Your starting point is pretty good and has a lot of ways to pull it in line of advancing and giving your characters more depth, so A+ on that. Just be careful not to fall into a pit of situations that everyone's seen in stories and movies a million times over.

I peronally like Ranami's.. er... disorder/condition? I think it's pretty original and it gives a chance to make a big bang later on in the story of why he's like that and what's up with his family and why're they're so different. Also it's something significant enough in his character that'll make the story interesting as he goes along, since it's not something small and avoidable.

But yeah, I think this is good and I'll definitely be reading it once you get it going. =] Remember though, this is all just my opinion, and it's also hard to judge your masterpiece just on this little overview. So take what me and everyone else says with a grain of salt. Way to go though. :D

[Tristan]

I have already said some stuff to you already, my friend... But a little more of feedback is always cool, ain't it?

So far it looks good, but you still can develop the characters a little more. You already have their background, their basic personality and their qualities... So you need to study their psychology and relationships a little more.

This goes beyond the love polyhedron we were discussing the other day... I also mean as in how the siblings get along, how do the different characters relate to each other, what sort of ideas and prejudgments permeate their interactions...