45 replies to this topic

[Stars]

First off, I want to apologize if I'm spamming topics, sorry 'bout that.

So this morning, I woke up and opened my door; the doorknob fell off in my hand. Then, I picked up my backpack, and the strap fell off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom this morning 0_o

[kspr]

did you hear about the ghost who got his arm shot off in 'Nam?

he developed phantom limb syndrome.

[Stars]

Did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped from Jail?

[color=#000000;background:#000000;' onmouseover="this.style.color='#FFFFFF'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#000000']He was a small medium at large.[/color]

[Maelstrom]

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

[color=#000000;background:#000000;' onmouseover="this.style.color='#FFFFFF'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#000000']Santa stops after three ho's.[/color]

[BottomGuy]

Did you hear about the new French tank?

[color=#000000;background:#000000;' onmouseover="this.style.color='#FFFFFF'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#000000']It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes forward in case the enemy attacks from behind. [/color]

[Maelstrom]

What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?

[color=#000000;background:#000000;' onmouseover="this.style.color='#FFFFFF'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#000000']Michael Phelps can finish a race.[/color]

[kspr]

Did you hear about the magician?
[color=#000000;background:#000000;' onmouseover="this.style.color='#FFFFFF'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#000000']he walked down the street and turned into a store[/color]

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
[color=#000000;background:#000000;' onmouseover="this.style.color='#FFFFFF'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#000000']anyone can roast beef[/color]

What was the favorite beverage of the soviet union?
[color=#000000;background:#000000;' onmouseover="this.style.color='#FFFFFF'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#000000']Leninade[/color]

[lazlo falconi]

What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?

[color=#000000;background:#000000;' onmouseover="this.style.color='#FFFFFF'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#000000']Michael Phelps can finish a race.[/color]

I think we have a winner!

[Stars]

Quite evil and cruel, but yes, haha, I laughed to, dammit.

[Monkeydog]

What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

[color=#000000;background:#000000;' onmouseover="this.style.color='#FFFFFF'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#000000']Wipes his butt.[/color]

[kspr]

What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?

[color=#000000;background:#000000;' onmouseover="this.style.color='#FFFFFF'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#000000']Michael Phelps can finish a race.[/color]

I think we have a winner!

Hold on there Lazlo, i got that beat by far

What's the difference between Jelly and Jam?
[color=#000000;background:#000000;' onmouseover="this.style.color='#FFFFFF'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#000000']jam has fruit in it[/color]

[lazlo falconi]

Heard it.

[BottomGuy]

Heard it.

Same, minus the baby part which was just wrong and not funny.

[Stars]

Yeah, tbh I didn't find that one all that good...

[lazlo falconi]

A man in a business suit walks into a butcher shop and asks what the butcher has for sale. The butcher says, "Our rib roast is currently on sale. Best ribs you'll ever have."

The man in the business suit replies, "Thanks, but I had ribs last week. Do you have anything else on sale?"

The top sirloin is great. It's very popular, and it's currently 25% off."

"Sounds good," replies the business man, "but I'm afraid I had top sirloin yesterday, and I'm in the mood for something new."

"Well, how about our tenderloin. It's also on sale, and our customers say it's the best tenderloin they've ever had. You won't regret buying this."

"Okay, I'll try some of that." The man in the business suit makes his purchase. Just before leaving, he says, "Thanks, it was nice to meat you."




I'm not sure I get this thread.

[kspr]

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says “Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you…”
Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.
The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.
Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says “Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!”
The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says “Surpise, its me the Hippie!”
The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says “Surprise, its me the bus driver!”

[lazlo falconi]

A physics professor and his assistant are working on liberating negatively charged hydroxyl ions, when all of a sudden, the assistant says, "Wait, Professor! What if the salicylic acids do not accept the hydroxyl ions?" And the professor responds, "That's no hydroxyl ion! That's my wife!"

[Billy]

A physics professor and his assistant are working on liberating negatively charged hydroxyl ions, when all of a sudden, the assistant says, "Wait, Professor! What if the salicylic acids do not accept the hydroxyl ions?" And the professor responds, "That's no hydroxyl ion! That's my wife!"

[kspr]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.
She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.”
He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?”
“A hand job”, Harry reply.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ……
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

[BottomGuy]

A Blond, a Jew, a Duck, and a Lawyer walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, "What is this, some kind of joke?!"