8 replies to this topic

[Puffin]

So, as some of you know, I do write. I don't share too much of what I write, but I do. Anyways, this is a short story I wrote today when a random burst of inspiration hit me. I'm not sure what to make of it, as it is something that has resulted from a bout of depression and most stories that result from that I usually find aren't that great once I've cheered up. But hey, here it is. Comments and the like appreciated.
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The world was ending and nothing, not a single man, would survive this catastrophe. My home was gone now, sunken beneath the waves when the ocean rose; I was one of the few to escape that drowned fate. Me and him. Everyone we knew was dead, unable to escape before the bridge collapsed.
From water we fled, only to meet fire. My eyes, nose, mouth, they all stung from the ash and smoke, while the heat scorched our skin. Tears rained down my face. There wasn’t anything we could do; this was the end, despite our fleeing.
He turned to me one last time, the ground cracked around us, giving way. “Smile,” he said his face as calm and happy as it had always been. Some how I heard him, it was as if we were still at home, in that dull town where nothing ever happened. I missed that boring place. The flames closed in, stealing what oxygen remained from us, my throat burned as I tried desperately to hold onto my last breath.
Maybe we were the last two people on earth.
The last of life on earth.
I smiled.

[Stars]

Well, I was going to find things to nitpick and exaggerate before saying "j/k, I liked it," but...it uses every aspect of D.A.T.E.D., describes multiple senses, and even has a dynamic protagonist.

How the heck did you do that in barely more than 200 words?

[Puffin]

I'm just that fucking awesome.




No, I don't really know, actually. It just sort of came out of nowhere, the whole story, so I started writing. Also, I have no idea what D.A.T.E.D. is. Esplain?

[BottomGuy]

Very interesting concept. Length is probably perfect for what you are describing, rapid destruction of the world so rapid story. There shouldn't be much to say when the world is falling around you. Despite it being so short I got a strong vibe between the two characters, mostly the other guy. The fact that all he says is "Smile" says a lot. Then by ending it with the same word is poetic. Felt the second half of description was better, with how they felt and the burning world. Don't know why, but describing how all the wires fell....meh, just didn't hit hard with me. Even though its a story of everything ending, there is that little glimpse of hope of we've survived, even if it doesn't last.

Oh, on a technical note, I think it should be "way" instead of "away" for the line, "He turned to me one last time, the ground cracked around us, giving away."

Great little story, could totally see this it being a one page comic.

[Puffin]

You are kick ass, bottom guy.

I felt the same way with the wires sentencing. I think I might edit that at some point, as the wording is a little tedious. I also agree with how 'way' should replace 'away'. You are quite good at critiquing. :)

Edited accordingly.

[Stars]

D escription
A ction
T hought
E xposition
D ialogue

[Puffin]

I figured it was something like that.

[lazlo falconi]

I didn't expect to like it at all, with how short it was... But it actually turned out to be pretty interesting. Though with stories like this I'm always curious about why the world is ending, but for such a short story, guess it doesn't matter. Interesting stuff.

[Puffin]

I considered briefly explaining why the world was ending, but when I thought about it, didn't really seem necessary.