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[Stars]

This week's poem is supposed to include lots of detail but not actually say what the poem is about. And yes, the title was inspired by Unfamiliar Ceiling. =p

*** Original ***

UNFAMILIAR CORNER

In the early dawn I stand
By a street I do not know.
I pull my jacket 'round me
As the autumn winds blow.

There are several others with me
At this unfamiliar corner.
I feel them whisper behind my back
And know that I am a loner.

But someday they may be my friends;
To this end I will strive.
We wait together in the cold
For the Bluebird to arrive.


*** Revision ***

UNFAMILIAR CORNER

A cool morning breeze blows
I watch as the orange autumn sun
Rises over dark outlines of houses
At this unfamiliar corner

Few cars running at this hour
We clearly hear the birds overhead
These other kids and I waiting here
At this unfamiliar corner

I have not learned one name yet
Though they seem to know one another
I feel the whispers as I stand
On this unfamiliar corner

Someday I may be their friend
I tell myself with a quiet smile
Just as we notice the Bluebird coming
To this soon familiar corner

[Stars]

I've added a revision of the poem to my first post. One of the things the instructor commented on was that the original lacked details about the setting, which made it too vague, so I tried to fix that. I also decided to emphasize the titular line more since I like the way it sounds for some reason. The rhyme scheme kinda went poof in the revision, but I figured it wouldn't detract too much from the poem overall.
(And yes, we're required to revise the poems and turn them in again. This isn't just for kicks. =p )